I understand a horse’s hooves; they make it possible to support all that weight on a variety of surfaces at a variety of speeds. I understand an eagle’s talons; they’re useful for keeping a good grip on perches and for killing and holding prey. I understand a bear’s claws; they’re great for knocking a salmon out of a river in one swoop, and for scratching bear asses. I don’t understand a baby’s fingernails.

Baby fingernails are cute in the sense that all baby things are cute (“Oh, isn’t that the cutest little poopie!”), but for the most part, they’re an excellent argument against Intelligent Design. Only a moron would combine a complete lack of motor control with little razor blades on the fingertips, and for good measure, throw in a clenching reflex to make it almost impossible for a parent to safely groom or maintain them. (I proposed giving my Dremel tool a shot, but Mommy has an irrational fear of using power tools on babies.) If there’s a Designer involved in that, he’s either an idiot, or he hates humans. Here’s how I see that design process going:

Let’s see…cute irresistible face? Check. Stirs up deep feelings of love and a desire to nurture them? Check. Teeth for chewing? Nah, I’ll make those come later, because they might interfere with breast-feeding. What am I leaving out? I know! They need claws so they can gouge their own faces and scratch the bejeebus out of Mommy’s and Daddy’s necks when they’re being held!