A few years ago, I subbed in a bowling league where one of my teammates turned out to be a father of young triplets. When I found out, my reflexive curiosity led me to ask some version of the question, “Were they natural?” I may have tried to phrase it a little less bluntly, but the question was the same. My very friendly teammate answered politely and directly (no, they had “help”), and my curiosity was satisfied without realizing at the time what a personal or awkward question I had just asked. Now that I’m a father of twins and encounter the same question or variations on it frequently, I cringe that I ever asked it, and wish I could go back and apologize to that guy.

Being asked if your twins (or any other number of multiples, I assume) are natural is not an insult, but I think very few people who ask it - including myself back when I asked it - contemplate what they’re really asking before they ask it. If you’ve never thought about it before, and are wondering what the big deal is, let me pose the following scenarios:

1. You’re out in public somewhere and see a pregnant stranger. Knowing nothing about them, but being a friendly sort, you strike up some idle conversation by asking when they’re due. Now that you’ve broken the ice and know nothing except an approximate due date, how appropriate would it feel to ask, “So, did you or your husband need fertility treatments to conceive?”

2. You find out a casual friend or neighbor (or their wife) is pregnant. This is someone you’re always pleasant and cordial with, but not someone you consider an intimate friend or normally discuss very personal matters with. How appropriate would it feel to ask them, “So, is this like a test tube baby or what?”

If it hasn’t sunk in yet, ask yourself: What does the question “Are they natural?” really ask? What is the other kind, besides “natural”? Assuming a rudimentary knowledge of how reproduction works and how twins can occur, the questioner knows that the alternative to “natural” is “aided by assisted reproductive techniques”. (The questioner may not think in such technically accurate lingo, but whether they know what ART stands for or have some vague notion of “test tube babies”, the two basic possibilities are the same.) So, when someone asks the question, “Are they natural?” out of idle curiosity, they’re really asking about a very personal matter, even if they don’t realize it.

So, are they natural?

Didn’t you read the first part? Man, some people are just nosy…

You haven’t charmed me enough yet to get the straight answer, so first I’ll give you several answers I’ve fantasized about giving, but am too chicken to actually try:

• No, they’re cyborgs.
• We’ll get the DNA results tomorrow, but my money’s on half monkey
• They’re brains are, but their bodies are bionic.
• What’s the other kind?
• I’m not sure. How can you tell?
• Which answer will make them look cuter to you?
• How perceptive of you to guess that maybe we were infertile and needed help. Are you infertile, too?
• [Point to one.] That one is, but the other one we cloned from her rib.
• I was just about to ask the same thing about your [or “your wife’s”] breasts.
• Everything but the skin - that’s synthetic.
• As natural as you asking me whether I’m fertile.
• You’ll have to ask them when they grow up; we think it would be impolite to make them the last to know.
• With those psychic twin powers, I’d say more like supernatural.
• Yippee! It’s Personal Question Time! You tell me your favorite sexual position, and I’ll tell you if we used fertility treatments.
• That depends…do you consider Doggie Style and Reverse Cowgirl natural, because those were the positions we used.
• Yes, because we think they’re still too young for boob jobs.
• Will you take us off your Christmas card list if the answer is “No.”?
• I would answer that, but I don’t want to say anything that might cause people to judge them unfairly.

and the one that I actually plan to use when I feel like deflecting the question:

• No. They were delivered by c-section.

How very clever and witty of you. So are they or aren’t they?

You have succeeded in charming me by reading this far, so I will only toy with you a while longer before sharing the straight answer, which most readers have probably guessed by now.

You might be thinking, “So what’s the big deal? There’s nothing to be ashamed of even if you needed help,” and you’d be right, especially on that second part. However, while I agree 100% with that second part, it’s not a unanimous point of view, particularly among deeply religious folk. (I’m looking at you, Catholics and other Christian denominations.) When some stranger or casual friend asks if my twins are natural, I don’t know if the “wrong” answer might cause them to attach a stigma to my children or our family and treat us differently. Even worse, it’s a scary thing to reveal to close family or friends who you think or know would have serious moral/religious objections. Most of my relatives are Catholic, for example, and while I still haven’t felt anything but love and support from them, and wouldn’t expect to no matter what the Pope says, I also know that according to Catholic Orthodoxy, assisted reproduction is a no-no. To the extent that any of my family might place great importance on adhering to the Pope’s rulebook, answers to the idle question, “Are they natural?” could bring us into conflict. Some people are only too happy to lecture others on what they perceive to be their moral shortcomings, so it’s not desirable to give them ammo with which to attack us, even if we’re completely at peace with the path we took to parenthood.

Have you guessed the answer yet? The surprising answer is “Yes!” (with an unsurprising twist.) Even though I know exactly what the question is asking, I can’t get over the hidden judgment that lies beneath the innocuous words to the point of just answering, “No.” I can’t do it because from the time we found out Kat was pregnant, to seeing them grow in the womb, to hearing their heartbeats, to seeing our two beautiful daughters born…there’s just nothing unnatural about it. The question is stupid on its face, because if they’re not natural, it’s implied they’re something else which is less than natural. That may not be what people mean, but it’s what the question asks. If they asked what they meant in the first place, the unwritten rules of polite conversation would probably stop them from asking, but nonetheless, the question would be:

• Twins, eh? Were there fertility treatments involved?

Yes.