A good friend of mine works at the Toronto Zoo and has an interesting job. I’m not sure what her job title or full job description is, but she’s a scientist and does a lot of lab work involving the fertility and reproductive well-being of the animals they have there. She’s a big-time animal lover and from what I’ve heard, loves her work. Her small talk about work oftens sounds cute and cuddly (e.g., “I held a baby dhole today,”) especially when there are pictures to go along with it, but being a reproductive scientist at a zoo involves more than just waiting patiently while the zoo animals get pregnant and then when they give birth, naming and cuddling the cute offspring. She gets to roll her sleeves up, sometimes literally, at the conception and pre-conception stages, which means she occasionally says things like:

“So, it was a busy week at work. Among other activities, we electroejaculated two black-footed ferrets and a tree kangaroo, and manual sperm collection from a camel.”

For the first part of that, my natural curiosity has me thinking, ” I wonder how this electro-ejaculation machine works…and does it come in a safe, affordable model for humans?” But before my mind can wander very far down that road, I’m hit by “manual sperm collection from a camel”. Manual sperm collection? I mean, I know there’s no bestiality involved, but that’s got to involve more than a probe and a pair of safety goggles, right? No wonder Joe Camel was always smoking a cigarette and sporting a grin on that genatalia-inspired face of his.

My friend and her colleagues, though they take their work seriously, also have a sense of humor about the fact that they’re engaged in a sticky business. (Can you imagine that job without a sense of humor?) When I heard about the busy week described above, I was inspired to come up with a theme song for them so they’d have a song to stick in their heads when their work was sticking to their hands. I used the old stand-by of replacing lyrics to an existing song. It’s good for a few yuks, and depending on your tolerance for semen humor, possibly even more “Yuck!”s. For the full experience, I recommend playing the song while you read the lyrics, but if that’s not an option for you, hopefully you know the original well enough to get the jizz-t of it.

All That Jizz (sung to the tune of “All That Jazz“, from the Broadway soundtrack of “Chicago”)

C’mon babe, why don’t we jack the town, and all that jizz! I’m gonna take a knee, and roll my shirtsleeves up, and all that jizz!

Start the spark, I know a whoopee spot Where the probe is cold, but the prostate’s hot It’s just a comfy stall where we can jack them all And all that jizz!

Slick your probe and wear your no-stain shoes, and all that jizz! I hear the Pygmy Hip is gonna blow his splooge, and all that jizz! Hold a Dhole, we’re gonna rock-n-roll I brought a Kangaroo, now let’s collect his goo We’ll need a special spark if we jack the shark To get – that – jizz!

The zoooo!

And all that jizz

Gotcha! Whoopee!

And all that jizz

Eww! Ohh! Ahh!

It’s just a comfy stall where we can jack them all And all that jizz!

[next two lines spoken as dialogue] Listen, your keeper ain’t here, is he?

No, his keeper is now at home!

Find a flask, we’re gonna jack a moose (And all that Jizz!) Right up here is where I store the juice (And all that Jizz!)

C’mon babe, we’re gonna spark this guy I bet no other tiger ever felt this high ‘Cause in the ecosphere, it would take all year For all that jizz!

Oh, we’re gonna make our zebra shimmy shake, (and all that jizz!) Oh, we’re gonna fill until our beakers break, (and all that jizz!) Show us where to spark a turtle Oh, his shiny shell looks fertile Lookie here – set for a year With all that ji-yizz!